Speas
by LaLunegirl
Summary: A story about depression and the search for hope.
1. Chapter 1

Speas

Chapter 1

The pain ripped through me. My head screamed in a silent room filled with darkness and a deep sense of loneliness. Physically everything is ok. Mentally the world is coming crashing down around me. I can turn to no one. The jagged edges of pain stab sharply in my brain as thoughts of hate, fear and the hopelessness of everything seep in, all thoughts of hope; happiness and the promise of tomorrow are there but are dimed to the point of being a dream. I want to lay there and never get up, I want to go out and walk until I collapse of exhaustion, I want to run away and never look back.

Depression

That's what the shrink diagnosed when my friends dragged me to see him. I hate doctors of any kind. Always trying to dissect you either physically or figuratively. What use are they? If you're going to die then why stop the inevitable? Why stop the pain that is such a large part of being human?

I have thoughts swirling through my head of hate, of sadness and loneliness. I don't have the will to live but am to cowardly to do anything but imagine my demise. On my drive to work I imagine my car sailing over a bridge, a scant moment of freedom and weightlessness….what a wonderful thought, or perhaps speeding up the car on the highway to amazing speeds before my car trips into the back of the car or truck ahead taking me away….Why would I burden my friends with this? How can I expect them to understand? I get blamed for things that are out of my control….things said in the heat of anger and even my indifference is received negatively. There is no winning in my world. There is no living.

But what can I do to change it? You read in the news all the time that someone snapped and committed murder or suicide. But that's not me….at least the murder part. No human has the right to take another humans life. But one's own is another story….but again I am a coward.

No one knows who I am…they only see what I show. The smiles, the happiness, the airheaded-ness. It's easier that way. No one should suspect… I will not be responsible for someone else's discomfort. And yet the closest of my friends seem to pick up something is wrong….Makes me think harder…what did I do or say to bring suspicion upon myself? I can never relax, never be truly happy. I love being alone with my thoughts but know how dangerous that is as those thoughts clamor in and refuse to leave. I love being in a crowd but it only helps put a stamp of truth on my pathetic existence when I compare who I am to who they are…my friends and colleagues. All of them go about life with ambitions, hopes and dreams. I force myself to have those when in reality I don't care. I just want to be alone. In an endless darkness where no one will ever be able to reach me.

I know there are ways to disappear. To change identities and move far, far away. I have thought about it but again am a coward. It's funny how much of a chicken I am. I'm afraid to live and afraid to die, afraid to stay and afraid to leave. I am useless, one of those mistakes that never should exist.

I try to keep positive by reading but everything out there has some instance of love in it…another emotion that I don't believe in. Reading makes me smile and I pretend for a moment I am the female character at odds with the male character, knowing in the end it all works out….but I'm not. When the story ends my sad pathetic life settles into my mind again and I want to cry….but I don't cry. That is a luxury I don't have.

Sometimes I wish for physical pain, for someone to hit me…just so I can try to feel alive….but the old me would never stand to be abused and that trait is still prominent in me today.

I am no one and am nothing….I don't know what to do. Do I follow society and conform…even though it will be introducing someone to my bleak, horrid life? Or do I disappear, leaving my loved ones in confusion and sorrow at my disappearance? I know I'm loved but I can't seem to care…

What's the answer?

How will I survive?

Why should I live?

I just want sleep…..


	2. Chapter 2

Speas

Chapter 2

Usagi smiled as her friends as they finish school for the day and head out to her car to drive down to the Crown Arcade, their usual hangout since they were teens….or is it preteens? It doesn't matter, but as usual she was stuck at the oddity of the word pre-teen….why not just call it what it is? A child…then a teen then an adult….. Why did we have to find a name for the transition from child to teen?

Rei said something to distract Usagi, knowing the correct response she automatically responded with a scathing reply to her. It's funny how her mind and body work. Usagi had been doing this for so long that she didn't even have to think about her cover-up. Her mind just adapted and reacts. "Shut Up Rei-chan! You don't have to be so mean!" her voice sounded whiny and she mentally winced but knew the necessity of the voice. It's one she's used her whole life and will continue to use.

"Here we go again…" Sighed Ami rolling her eyes at her friends antics. Minako giggled from her right and Makoto doesn't react at all as she was busy chatting it up with her boyfriend Nephrite, her phone close to her ear as she covered her other with a finger to block them out. All her friends had boyfriends…even the shy quite Ami who found a flamboyant character, so unlike her that they were are still having trouble believing that she was serious about him…when all indications point to him being gay.

"Oh cut it out Usagi! You know I'm right!" Rei pestered on as she gave Usagi a slight shove. Usagi sighed mentally as her physical self starts sniffling. "STOP CRYING!" Rei suddenly burst out as she glared at the blonde. "Or were not going!" Her immediate reaction was to sniffle one last time but stop crying, the tears instantly disappear unshed. "You are such an airhead" Rei muttered.

"So what did Dr. Morimoto say?" Ami asked changing the subject. At once all the girls turned serious and looked over at Usagi.

"The same thing I've been telling you guys all along!" She cried annoyed at the whole situation "its stress!" she lied through her teeth… Ami's eyes turned analytical as she studied her eyes but then she smiled.

"I'm glad to hear that! We were all quite worried." Her voice became soft as she smiled slightly at her. She grinned back because that was what was expected of her. The others went back to what they were doing with that response.

"You guys worry WAAAAYYYY too much!" Usagi exclaimed stretching the one word as her eyes sparkled. She pulled out her keys and unlocked her car, the girls piled in and they drove away.

Mamoru sighed into his coffee, work was very stressful and even on his day off he was on call, so he was slightly edgy, just waiting for his beeper to go off indicating he was needed at Toyko General again.

"Hey Mamoru! I haven't seen you in a week!" Exclaimed his best friend Motoki as he slipped into his apron behind the counter in preparation of the start of his shift.

"Yeah it's been pretty hectic down at the hospital" Mamoru said, a smile breaking out as he started up a conversation with his best friend. "How've things been with the reno?" he asked referring to the renovations Motoki was doing to one of his many Crown Arcade locations throughout Japan.

"Great! I've been thinking of incorporating a movie theater and offering full restaurant style meals at the one across town." Motoki said grinning as he started filling orders of milkshakes and sundaes.

"Sounds like a plan. When's the grand reopening?" Mamoru asked taking a sip of his coffee.

"Hopefully within the next 4 months if all things stay on track…."Motoki paused and glanced at Mamoru's cup "Is that all your having?" He demanded as his hands continued to work, pushing completed drinks across the counter. Mamoru just grinned at him and took another sip. Motoki rolled his eyes and yelled something into the kitchen through the swinging doors before turning back to Mamoru. "When is your residency over anyways?"

"This should be my final year…thank god! I don't know how many more 24+ hours I can take man". Mamoru sighed putting down his cup. "I can't wait to open my own practice. The hours will be heaven." He grinned at the thought staring off into space. He snapped out of it as a burger with fries was slid under his nose. He grinned even wider as he attacked the meal without looking at Motoki who went back to filling orders after handing over the plate.

'Ding' went the friendly chimes of the sliding doors indicating new patrons and Motoki turned around to grin at his regular customers. "Hey ladies, how was school?" Mamoru turned around and glanced at the familiar faces of the 5 girls entering in a loud storm of giggles and chatter.

"Hey Toki-nii-san" Usagi grinned from the middle of the group, she paused as her eyes landed on the ebony haired man, stuck her tongue out as usual and blew him a raspberry before focusing on Motoki once again. "School was exhausting! I still don't understand why we need a stupid class like Stats anyways." She continued without breaking her stride as she and the girls paused next to Mamoru to speak to the blond.

"Oh come on Odango! How can anything be exhausting when you do nothing but daydream?" Mamoru automatically snipped grinning. Usagi glared at him but then turned back to Motoki. The others all acknowledged Mamoru with a grin or a brief snippet of conversation, Ami striking up the longest conversation as she was entering the same field as Mamoru but Usagi ignored him completely. Mamoru, done with his brief interlude with his arch-nemesis promptly forgot her as he focused on the blue haired girl instead.

"It can't be that bad Usa-chan. And Stats are very important….they tell you…er…stuff" Motoki finished lamely scratching his head.

Usagi shrilly laughed at his attempt at trying to put Stats in a good light but failing miserably. "Yeah you shouldn't even try…..I wouldn't even bother with it if it wasn't required in my BBA Degree…" She paused waiting for the scathing remark from Mamoru that she knew was coming but to her surprise nothing came, apparently his conversation with Ami was very fascinating but when Usagi eavesdropped their conversation made her stomach turn….they were talking about how to stop bleeding in a punctured lung….ugh.

"Hey girls!" The voice came from behind them and at once grins spread across four of the girls faces as their boyfriends stood behind them, each girl went to meet her significant other and Usagi stayed where she was but grinned up at her brother who Rei headed for.

"Where have you been Jade!?" Usagi asked eyeing him as Rei wrapped herself around him.

"Hey Usa" Jadeite said grinning after he finished kissing his girlfriend. "I told mom already that I'd be gone for a while." He moved up and bopped his sister on the head "Didn't she tell you? Work sent me to China for the week." Usagi forced herself to smile at her brother, not letting on that she didn't even notice he wasn't around even though they lived in rooms' right next to each other at home. He glanced down at his sister, knowing something was off but he couldn't put his finger on it so he put it aside for now as he moved over to Mamoru and Motoki, Rei still wrapped in his arms and he struck up a conversation with them about his trip. Ami and Zoicite moved forward to join them in their conversation.

Usagi moved to the booth where Makoto and Nephrite sat deep in conversation and Minkao and Malachite sat waiting for Usagi to join them in their conversation regarding the plans for their wedding next year.

A few hours later a beeping sound filled the Arcade, different from the games in the back end of the rooms and they all turned to watch Mamoru grab the little device from his hip then getting up he waved at everyone, his eyes briefly resting on Usagi who stared expressionlessly at him, then giving her a confused look he left. Usagi watched him leave without comment before turning towards her brother. "Jade? Mom's expecting us for dinner…we should get going too". With that everyone got up and dispersed to their individual destinations. Usagi and Jadeite drove home together discussing his trip and Usagi found she couldn't work on autopilot with her brother as he knew her better than anyone else.

Dinner was a loud and boisterous affair at the Tsukino household as everyone tried to have a conversation with Jadeite. If an outsider witnessed the dinner they would assume Jadeite had been gone for months or years but the Tsukino family was very close and even a week was too long.

"So Usa…Find yourself a boyfriend yet?" Jadeite asked grinning at his younger sister. Usagi, without thinking, said "What for?" At the same time as their father stood up, slamming his hands on the table yelling "What BOYFRIEND!" with a wild panicked look in his eye as he glared from his two eldest children. Jadeite heard her but their fathers homicidal rage came first as after shooting his sister a quick glance he turned to his dad trying to calm him down with their mom, as their younger brother Shingo sat there laughing at the whole scenario.

Later that night as Usagi was getting ready for bed she answered a knock on her door. Giving the knocker permission to enter she forced a smile on her face as she prepared for her guest. Jadeite grinned at her as he slipped into her room, closing the door behind him. She grinned at him as she continued to brush her hair.

"Are you ever going to cut that pile of weeds?" He asked. She growled well naturedly and threw her brush at his head. He ducked and grinned at her as he made himself comfortable on her bed.

"Shut Up".

"So I wanted to talk to you…." Rolling her eyes Usagi retrieved her brush and continued to brush her hair, her back to her brother. "It's about the whole boyfriend comment at dinner today." He watched closely as her hand froze briefly and had he not been watching he would have missed it but then she continued to brush. "Regardless of what Dad says you should have a boyfriend…You haven't had a single relationship since high school and that was a 3 week puppy love type thing…." Usagi stiffened but didn't say anything. "You know mom can deal with him, so don't use him as an excuse…. And I'll back you up-"

Usagi turned around to glare at her brother. "Stay out of it!"

"Why? You know…..I always thought you were waiting for…" He hesitated a moment… "That you were waiting for Mamoru to-"

"Don't presume to know more than you do!" Usagi snapped, her glare turning heated. "I have to go to bed…you should leave" She said purposely turning her back to him, putting her brush down and then turning she moved towards her bed. Jadeite sat there staring at his sister for a moment, then sighing he got up and slipped out of her room with a soft "goodnight". Usagi's eyes burned as she pulled back her covers and got under them but she refused to let her tears fall as she lay there in the dark staring out into nothingness, her mind whirring with thoughts of loneliness and sorrow, and a small fleeting thought about Mamoru and what she refused to allow her brother to say. Hours later sleep finally claimed the small blond.


End file.
